“I had known him only ten weeks,
and in those ten weeks he had made me feel so happy.
He raised my confidence, he made me laugh, and feel wanted.
But after those ten weeks I journeyed home for Christmas.
And that’s when it all changed.”
After four weeks at home and only one phone call from Spencer I was back at University. I wasn’t shocked from the lack of contact. I had told myself that the moment he goes silent is the moment he sleeps with someone else. I knew he was a player so it was bound to happen, but that didn’t mean it didn’t hurt.
The night I returned he rang me late at night, I made the short journey up to his room and we spent the night in each others arms. He, of course, was drunk; so we didn’t get up to anything.
After that night however he went silent once more.
I didn’t contact him for a week and then rang him to see if he would be free, of course he had university work to do. I was put on hold. “I’ll ring you later darling, alright?”
MAN CODE: for I will never call you.
After that I snooped his facebook and saw photos of him with a girl, Amber. When I asked who she was he said they had been mates last year, a flat mate in halls. But I remembered him saying he had slept with all the girls he lived with. Of course when I reminded hum of that Spencer said she had been an exception, just a close mate.
A few weeks later, with no contact with Spencer, and me and my friends are all in a club. In the club where I first met Spencer in fact. By the time I put my bag away and found my friends in the toilets they have some bad news for me.
Spencer was here. With a girl. Hands on her bum. And I didn’t see them at all for the rest of the night. I couldn’t shake the feeling that that meant they had left and had gone back to his room.
I couldn’t wait to go home and cry. I was upset because I wasn’t the person he wanted. Because he put this girl above me. Because I was so head over heels I believed he could get any girl he wanted. But I wasn’t what he wanted, what he wanted was in his room, arms around him in the bed I had slept in, only five floors above my head.
And that killed me.
I cried to my friends at uni, I cried to my friends at home, and then the next day I cried to Spencer. I told him if he was seeing someone I didn’t want to see him anymore and that it felt like he was being really disrespectful. Treating me like a last resort. Like a dog.
A week later I see more of Amber on his facebook and decide to text him.
D: To me it looks like you and Amber are more than a bit close? You shouldn’t have lied to me if i’m meant to be a friend. I don’t get your silence so just respect me enough to tell the truth.
He rang me straight after. Telling me it was all my head. Saying he only had a few weeks left at university so he was putting his head down – not going out or sleeping with a bunch of girls.
After that I guess I went a bit mad. I desperately wanted to get over him. To never ever see him again, and yet at the same time what I wanted over anything was for him to want me.
I wanted to see other guys. I didn’t want commitment. I didn’t want to fall in love. I wanted to pretend I didn’t have a heart anymore so I could never hurt and ache and break down so badly ever again.
And so I did.
I closed off myself and found distractions. But none of them helped in the end.
It took me a long time to finish the chapters no Spencer. A whole summer has passed and it has now been just over a year since we met. For the past 10 months he has done nothing but make me feel unhappy. I don’t know how to forget him. I don’t know how to get over him. Still I think about him every. fucking. lonely. day. There are days I hate him, and there are days where I hate myself for falling so hard.
This love did not make me happy. But I am now wiser. Less able to trust anyone easily. He didn’t change me for the better, and he didn’t change me for the worse. But one thing I know is that I have changed.
Spencer comes back into a few more chapters before I finish University so technically this is not the end.
But I think i’m ready for this chapter to end.